The Battle for Life and Death

Author: Red.

Homosexualism is a visible sign of the invisible immense wound of the lack of love. God is Love, and this Love has healed me, but also the healthy love of a friend

"For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37) These words have guided me continuously until now, in my journey to life from death, which in my case is homosexualism. I would like to talk about how God has healed me from these tendencies. I want to give a testimony that healing is possible. It seemed to me that I had no chance to be healed but it turned out that in God, everything is possible. The process of healing and the treatment of my wounds from the past are continuously taking place, but God is faithful in His promise and does not leave me alone in following Him.

For God nothing is impossible… In our times, we are bombarded with information that homosexuality is something normal and natural. The teachings of the Church on this matter have been criticized, and those who think differently than what the media claim are deemed intolerant and backward. For a long time, it was also difficult for me to acknowledge the teachings of the Church when it says that only a man and a woman can build a healthy relationship. However, today I am grateful to Her for this clear, uncompromising voice.

I discovered my tendencies by chance when I was nineteen years old. For a moment I felt as if I had found a safe haven, a place where I could finally feel good. However, that state did not last long, and later a battle began which was to last for years… As far as can I remember, I always desired to have a normal family built on God. But I had chosen a lifestyle that made it impossible for me to realize this. Giving up my own dreams, remorse and the fear of losing a woman — all of these ripped me from within. My relationship failed, and a mixture of emotions started to come out in me: jealousy, fear, hatred, desire. I did not have the feeling of security which I hoped to find. I did not see any way out of that trap. I thought that a solution was to leave the country. It was, however, a very difficult emotional experience for me. After six months of being abroad, I wanted to commit suicide. For the first time it became so real to me… and it was there that I met the living God. I cried out to Him from the deep to help me, for I had no more strength to fight for myself. I told Him that I needed Him as someone real, here and now… That’s how it all started, my adventure with God — a Physician, a good Father and a Guardian. God then slowly started sending several of life jackets which were to help me reach the goal. The first is the word of God, and the phrase that guides me still today: “For nothing will be impossible with God.” He also showed me the example of the faith of Abraham, who believed the Lord's promise, that He would fulfill the desires of his heart. Those words sustained me when I wanted to leave the path that He had shown me.

Every day I experienced the greatness of the power of God’s words, how they changed me, transformed me and led me to the fullness of being a woman. Many times, God spoke to me through the Scriptures; He gave me consolation, advice, warnings, encouragement to persist in my efforts and examples of people who had come before me and trusted Him.

Another help on my way to life was the discovery of the Eucharist. For a long time I could not understand why this woman I was with did not experience the same predicament as me. It was only later when I understood that frequent Eucharist did not allow my heart to sleep. The battle that was taking place inside me was the fruit of being nourished by God. He was waking me up, summoning me to persevere. It was not easy, but today I thank Him for this, that He did not allow me to stop, that He fought for me. It was not easy but now I am grateful that He did not allow me to delay, that He fought in me, for the real me. The next life jacket I received was confession. What I have in mind here is not only the human aspect of blurting things out or a good talk with a priest. The most important thing is the grace that Jesus has always given me when I leave the confessional. I began to see the truth about myself, about God, and I clearly recognized what the Creator was inviting me to do. I was able to notice the traps more quickly and avoid them at a point where it was easier. It also taught me to give my helplessness to God and to rely on Him.

I gave God my very small “yes” for His will to be fulfilled – and it was enough for Him

I have experienced this, that on my own I cannot do anything. That was especially true for me when, after returning repeatedly to that relationship, I lost all hope and the will to fight. I didn’t have the strength anymore, because all my attempts to break from homosexuality ended in failure. I was worn out… I went to confession and told the priest that I was helpless but I could agree for Jesus to come into my life and do whatever He wanted; my will told Him “yes.” The priest prayed over me, for which I am very grateful. I left the confessional and …after a couple of days my seven-year battle to leave that relationship was over. I gave God my very small “yes” for His will to be fulfilled – and it was enough for Him.

The mainstream environment in the media cries out for you to accept yourself, with your homosexual tendencies. However, when I tried to follow their voice, I was not happy. I longed for my dream — a healthy, normal family. Over time, I realized that in wanting to keep my homosexual way of life, I had to reject God. I did not want to eliminate Him from my life. I loved and wanted to believe in Him, which was to live in Him and His life-giving principles. Getting out of homosexuality is a great spiritual battle — of life and death. Without sacramental life, without friendship with Jesus, the goal of a full life seems impossible to reach. The road that the Father has led me down was long and very painful, but now I experience joy and peace. The internal conflict which accompanied me for years is gone. Now I see that the best is yet to come. I am walking a road with a loving God and Father towards a new life.

I noticed that my healing came gradually. First my difficult longterm relationship came to an end — and that was a miracle. Though from time to time it still happens that I fall for a woman, God comes with an important lesson. He started to show me that my attraction does not really concern that particular woman or another, but only the attributes that she has which I desire for myself. For example, I was fascinated by a woman who seemed to be independent, neat, affectionate, etc., and those are the traits which I could not find in myself. Then, I began to look after myself and to seek what my feminine soul desired and longed for.

Getting out of homosexuality is a great spiritual battle – of life and death

I also learned the art of recognizing my own desires. Soon, I observed that I began to feel better in the company of men. This process was not only to heal me of my homosexual tendencies, but perhaps first of all to pave my way to God, and further to feel that I was His daughter. Homosexualism is a visible sign of the invisible immense wound of the lack of love.

God is Love, and that Love has healed me, but also the healthy love of a friend. It is a friendship that endured when I was in the best and worst state, when I experienced joy and suffering. A friendship where I was never judged, but instead led to the truth, through prayers and many hours of conversation. It is a friendship where good and evil are at last called by their name; a friendship where the point of reference is always God. This human friendship continues to provide priceless help on my way to a life of freedom.

If you know or have homosexual friends, please do not pat them on the back, telling them: “I accept you.” I ask that you love these people and be someone who will listen to them and be by their side. When the occasion arises, reiterate to them that God is the salvation that He wants to heal. This is not a lottery of fate for some winners; everyone who goes to Him will be healed. And for you who suffer because of such tendencies and dilemma, I would like to repeat those salutory words that are still helping me today: “For nothing is impossible for God.” His love for us is a haven, and he wants us to build our lives with Him. He did not give life as a mistake, but as a gift and responsibility. But are we willing to be led by Him?

J.

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