Despite my wish to live without alcohol, despite the pleadings of my son, and the threats of my husband, I was no longer able to exist without my “friend” – vodka.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I always dreamed that I would settle down, have my own family and a home that was filled with warmth and love. I would bring up my children, without raising my voice or using physical punishment, contrary to how I was raised. Unfortunately, it did not turn out that way. In fact, I unconsciously started to treat my own sons in the same way that my alcoholic mother treated me.
I don’t know when I crossed the line and fell into addiction. There was a point when I started drinking socially to relieve the stress of work. After a beer or a glass of wine, I would become more relaxed, cheerful, and ignore certain duties. I justified this by saying that I needed to wind down and I deserved it. On the surface, everything seemed fine: healthy, well-raised children, a clean beautiful home, and me – a working woman with a good position and a good income. But inside… I was in ruins. I was scared of my own shadow, jumpy and anxious, with no desire for life. I was thinking more and more often of ending it all… Despite my wish to live without alcohol, despite the pleadings of my son, and the threats of my husband, I was no longer able to exist without my “friend” – vodka. The consequences were predictable: fights, brawls and police interventions. I had road accidents, my driver’s license was revoked, I crashed two cars… I still continued living with alcohol. I didn’t see anything wrong with me, and told myself it wasn’t my fault. After another suicide attempt, when I was saved by my ten-year-old son, I promised myself that I would start treatment. I joined the therapy sessions and meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I wanted to be sober, but I was never able to last in sobriety longer than a few months.