I remember that evening when I began screaming helplessly at God. It was not a respectful prayer; it was rather a cry of pain towards God, which later turned into a pleading for help. I did not believe, however, that anything would change – I just wanted the pain to stop.
I decided to write this testimony to let you know that even in the most difficult situations, when it seems that everything had been lost, there is still hope, because “For with God nothing shall be impossible.” (Luke 1:37)
I was born in a Catholic family. God was very important to my mother and my grandmother, and they taught me the same values. I can recall that at that time I was also close to God – at least as close as a child could be. At junior high school I started to drift away from God. It was not youthful rebellion; sin had entered my life and had slowly separated me from God. The sin was pornography, which had arrived together with the internet. I am not sure if I was even aware of the evil that I was getting involved in. This was something “normal” as far as I knew. “Everyone did it.” Since I did not think of it as a sin, I did not have any problem going to Church and receiving Communion (at my family’s insistence by the way). Making it worse was the betrayal of people I considered my friends. Sin and pain made me retreat further into myself.
I managed to finish high school. From the outside everything looked fine – I was a good student, I had some successes, I had a great girlfriend, and I got into the university of my choosing. Inside, on the other hand, I became ever more fearful, unfit for life, unable to love. I was able to hide these fears and often put on masks when with friends and others. I must have been very good at it, as no one caught on to the pretence. At the beginning of my university studies I started to realize that if I continued in this state, it would not lead to anything good. By hiding my problems I felt I could not go to anyone for help. It was then I began to read various books on psychology. I quickly learned that they did not offer any easy or immediate solutions.
It seemed as if somebody removed the blinds and opened the windows in a room that remained closed and dark for the whole year. I finally could breathe fresh clean air
At that time, some friends suggested trying hypnosis. I quickly became interested in books on hypnosis and in similar para- psychological and spiritualistic subjects such as autohypnosis, meditation and so on. The practices described in these books guaranteed easy and quick ways of getting rid of mental problems by “reprogramming” the mind. The vision of the world defined in these books seemed to me coherent and logical – based on the energy and frequency of brain waves, the subconscious. After a few months, with a friend’s encouragement, I decided to attend a course on the Silva Method, advertised as a course on increasing the mind’s abilities and which is supposedly in accordance with Christian teachings, but in reality is a course on magic and spiritism. The first two days of the course featured various pseudo psychological methods on improving memory and mental performance. On the last day, we were taught how to diagnose disease and treat it from a distance. It was amazing, particularly as I personally experienced the existence of a reality which I had previously was not aware of and which was active in the world. Today I know that the course was teaching spiritism and the knowledge offered in it came from demons.